I ran across this awhile ago. Gave me a chuckle. Thought I'd post it for the afternoon.

Life in the Fast Lane: By Gary Barnes



So, It's about 1:15 Eastern when I think ... "Chicken". I have a definite fried chicken deficiency. This is not good. If left unattended ... it could lead to other things. And, we've heard THAT warning enough to know that ... THAT is NOT good.



So, I wonder ... "Does the grocery deli have their loose fried chicken pcs. on Sunday?" I go in and ask Kelly and she doesn't know either. Imagine! haha. So, I suggest we just call to see. And, neither of us can think of the latest name of the place - which changes about thrice per year. I hate the telephone in general ... part of the reason is that you have to know the number you wish to call to use the thing. However ... God invented 411 for folks like me ... so we call that. We speak really clearly for the computer which is listening. What city please? "Union Bridge, Maryland". I'm sorry ... would you please restate the name of the city please? UNION BRIDGE? Thank - you. What listing please? "Myer's Grocery" .... I'm sorry ... would you please repeat your inquiry ... I did not understand your request. "MYERS GROCERY" ...... ...... ........ Thank - you .... one moment please. ...... ..... ..... We do not have a listing for Tires - Hosiery. Would you care to try another listing?



THAT"S M-Y-E .... Oh ... nevermind ,.,., Click.



So I think ... receipt! It's probably on a receipt. And, we actually find one. There it is!!! We look at each other and hug - almost in tears at our good fortune. We call. And, we are transferred to the deli. AND ... they HAVE chicken ... oh sweet Glory!!! "Will you bag it please - I'll be there in ten minutes...."



So I drive over. I sprint to the back of the store ... to the deli. There I'm met by dozens of people posted around the glass deli-counter. There's my paper bag in the chicken bin! But everybody is glaring at me as if I'd been the first one in the life boat ... so ... I just try to look calm. The gentleman at the counter was saying " and a pound of sliced cooked ham." The lady slaps a ham up on the machine and swish ... swish ... swish ... swish ... swish .......... swish ... swish ... swish .... I smile at one of the sentries ..... swish ... swish ... swish ... pause ... adjust ... swish ... swish ... swish ... swish ... I withdraw into myself.... swish ... swish ... swish ... swish ... swish.



I become aware that the swishing has stopped. I rally only to hear ... " ... and a pound of bologna" .... swish ... swish ... swish ... swish ... I look around ... everyone has this placid look on their face. They've got alllllll day. So, I figure ... "I can do this ... ". I pull down the shade behind my eyes and project an image of the parts I should be machining back at the shop. Sometime after I'd made a couple of complete Tundras ... I hear the guy say ... "That's All".... I almost wept.



There was another lady in front of me - but I wasn't sure about the guy over there .... hummm. And the lady says .. "...pound of VIRGINIA baked ham". Lady behind the counter says ... "What kind of ham?" ... Lady says VIRGINIA BAKED ham. Deli lady seems to never have heard of such a thing. Looks dazed ... starts sorting thru hams ...



I take my blood pressure ... unbutton my collar ... look at the other mannequin... people. Everyone seems to be pulling for the lady searching for the Virginia ham. The customer on this side of the case has her nose pressed and her hands splayed out like a tree frog against the glass ... searching. As my last few brown hairs turned silver ... I hear ... "THERE'S ONE!!!!" I leaped ... OH THANK GOD! ... I pushed the lady aside ... and there ... printed on the label was ... indeed .... VIRGINIA BAKED HAM. I got this big goofy grin - looked at the customer lady - shook my head up and down with my mouth hung open ... The deli lady wasn't impressed. "Hummph ... " She looked at the label like ... "I guess it COULD say virginiabakedham..."



Customer lady says ... a pound ... chipped. Deli lady ... "What?" A pound CHIPPED. Deli lady ... "Chipped?" Yes. Delilady ...hummph ... guess that means "SHAVED REALLY THIN". She sets the machine and starts rowing... swish ... swish ... swish ... swish ... swish ... swish ... swish ... swish ... swish ... swish ....swish .... I lean into the counter and draw my eyebrows together ... squint ... YES!! ... molecules of ham are dropping onto the wax paper. swish .... swish ... swish ... swish ... swish ... swish ... swish ... swish ... swish ... swish ... I look around me ... expecting to see people flapping their arms and pacing back and forth. The mannequins are still exactly as they were placed when last I looked. swish ... swish ... swish ... swish .... I stare at my white paper bag of chicken sitting on the other side of the glass and begin to whimper ...



"Does he want COOKED salami or HARD salami?" ... I hear the customer say to her husband. I had not realized he was alive. I'd mistaken him for a cardboard cutout advertising pocket protectors ... he spoke ... "I don't know". The lady says ... "they have COOKED salami and HARD salami". The cardboard replies ... "I don't know". Mrs. cardboard says ... "well he's in the car ... GO ASK him." Cardboard guy starts to move away. I toss an alarmed look at the deli lady ... swish ... swish ... swish ...swish ... swish ... I look around our tight little group (some of whom I've now known longer than relatives ... ) ... no reaction. swish ... swish ... swish ... swish ... swish ...



Pause ... "anything else?" I fear to look at her ... I hold my breath ...



"Yes ... do you have any north southeastern central Virginia poached turkey ham ... ?" I sag to my knees. Sliding down the glass window ... I bang my chin on the sill, and drop to the floor. With one glazed eye, I slowly scan the group. Nobody had moved. Although; I think one kid, in a shopping cart seat, glanced over his Gameboy in my general direction for a microsecond.



swish ... swish ... swish ... I perk up ... they've reset the machine!!! Those are thicker micro slices I hear! I crawl up and peer thru the glass. You can actually SEE slices on the paper of the machine on the counter!! New hope springs ... then ... the slices begin getting smaller in diameter ... smaller ... adjust ... fiddle ... smaller ... REALLY small. Looks like she's trying to slice up a nickel now ... Deli lady looks at the pile of meat ... the room air currents are fluttering the edges of the stack. I fear one my blow away and change the count ...



The deli lady grabs the sheet of gossamer slices ... callously slaps them down on the scale. "HEY CAREFUL ... " I start to shout ... then lower my gaze - while keeping one eye on the scale readout.......... .9962347 of a pound. The customer is standing there looking at the readout. The deli lady and her face off. I can hear myself sweat. This CAN'T be good for me ... .... .... ....



The customer wins. The deli lady bends to the case and starts sorting fifty pound logs of processed meat ... She chooses one ... lugs it to the back counter ... selects a knife ... and proceeds to open the binding on the log of meat. After hefting it into the slicer hopper, she proceeds to swish ... swish. Pause. Looks back at the scale ... back to the slicer ... swish.



Carries the paper to the scale. I CAN'T SWALLOW!!! My mouth is dry. My vision is blurred from sweat in my eyes - which are burning and red. 1.0003191 pounds. I start to babble ... "CL...CLOSE-ENOUPH!!!" The deli lady shoots me a glare ... looks at the scale ... eyeballs the customer ... looks at the meat ... REMOVES one slice ... pauses for effect ... and drops it back on the slicer table. I swallow ... the kid with the Gameboy shoots me a glare....



As she scanned the overhead for the correct code to tell the computer just WHAT it had weighed in order for a label to be printed, my head pounded. In my fevered state, I realized ... I needed to visit the bathroom. I was next ... but ... I figured ... ... I'd just come back ...



;?)




Gary



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/11/2009 07:04PM by barnespneumatic.

Oh, I see you tried to get coffee immediately after class in the student union building here at MSU......

OK OK, but what happened in the end?? Was there torn cardboard, broken Gameboys, pieces of mannequin strewn around, an arrest??

Thanks Neil,

No - cold dry chicken was enjoyed by all!

Gary

Ain't it funny how malleable time is in situations like this? Five minutes can seem longer than the age of the dinosaurs. I guess it's just something about being stuck in a line that makes time slow to a crawl, and the longer the line, the larger the time dialation effect.

If you've ever been to Disneyland or another amusement park on a holiday weekend, you have a fair idea of what the concept of eternity is all about.

ah the space time continuem ,,,,, but
its inversly efective too ,,,
belt your thumb with a hammer , you have enough time to think ,, bugger thats going to hurt
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then it does

There was a list going around a while back, suggesting some good names for unusual phenomena. One that I remember is the seemingly eternal period of time that a car door takes to lock after you've swung it closed...starting just after you realize that you left the keys in the ignition. I believe they called it a "craptosecond".